Ever since I got back from my scootouring jaunt down the coast I've been feeling less than optimistic and definitely not sanguine. Not to say life isn't still funny. I can laugh at any joke regardless of whether I get the punchline or not. However, my perspective has shifted. Is still shifting.
All that time alone in my helmet, I thought I got it down. The changing landscape was like a balm for my soul that I didnt know I needed until I felt it. The solitude of the coastal landscape far beneath me, the quiet weeps and whispers of redwoods, the scents of lavender and white sage, coming across the unexpected beached boat or Hogwart's Lane in the middle of what seems like no where... I thought all else is small, trivial in comparison to this. I could have ridden those twisting roads forever, my only worries being NOT to steer into the occasional oncoming vehicle and to keep my eye on the gas gauge.
Then it was over. The feeling of accomplishment stayed, real accomplishment because even up until the morning the journey began I wasnt sure I could do it. But the cocoon created by a shared experience disintegrated and I felt a degree of separation anxiety leaving all my comrades. It took me a week or two to return to what passes for normal in these parts. Or at least appear to.
I went to see some shows this summer. I could hardly contain my excitement leading up to seeing Duran Duran and then, a few weeks later, Depeche Mode. Neither of which I had ever seen live. I've been a fan for more than 20 years and was not disappointed.
I have, until recently, been vacillating between in a higher than normal degree of confusion and ambivelency. The biggest contributor being me. Some days I wanted to handle things a little differently that I had decided the day before. Feel differently, react differently. It got so when I took a step I wondered where I was going to land (if ever). Other days my motto was "Leave it alone" until further developments occurred. Even now, as I think about stuff, I still don't know what to think/do/feel. Be glad when all this is done.
Funny thing happened the other day. Someone said to me that they don't remember what my hair looked like before. Huh. It's only been a month since I had long hair.
I see how finite every experience is. It is true that nothing lasts forever. And perhaps that is a good thing. How else can all that an experience has taught be contemplated if it remains infinite?
